


Non-Binary Data Exchange

by KKGlinka



Category: Transformers (Bay Movies)
Genre: Multi, Other, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-17
Updated: 2013-02-17
Packaged: 2017-11-29 15:39:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/688617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KKGlinka/pseuds/KKGlinka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>MSgt. Robert Epps goes looking for some missing robots and wishes he hadn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Non-Binary Data Exchange

Master Sergeant Robert Epps walked absently through a maintenance door of the central NEST hanger, a stack of flash chips in one hand, cell phone in the other. He could have sent any number of grunts to do this, gophering data between the comm staff and the Autobot's own newly arrived long range reconnaissance units. But it was late and he needed to find some peace and quiet if he hoped to have some more personal conversation with his wife, if his pals in comm pulled through and patched her through the security net. He glanced up.

There, in their self-designated patch that no one dared seem to cross, the purple Firebolt, blue B-King and pink Dukati were... missing. Only the lone green Ninja remained, but he wasn't one of them. He was the new guy, which was ironic, since he had arrived before the three bikes and only assumed a similar form out of some irrepressible hero worship. As far as Epps could tell, the three bikes, and he didn't dare call them femmebots to their collective face, didn't much care for it, barely tolerating the younger bot's presence.

He checked his phone again. No signal. He looked around the hanger. No femmebots. And that was the most curious part, from his perspective. Optimus had explained that his people didn't have gender. They reproduced asexually, using eggs or pods or something that involved messy hatching, but required energon and there was none to spare. When Arcee, Chromia and Moonracer landed, arriving via some sort of ark in space that had apparently been damaged in a battle, their commanding officer with it, they hadn't been bikes and they hadn't been female.

So it was disturbing to have all three explain, in that bizarre fragmented, alternating manner, that just as individual Autobots emulated Human mannerisms out of a desire to avoid overly discomfiting the natives, the group must as well. They had noted, in the process of tracking long range communications in the planetary system, that Humans possessed binary genders for the purpose of arbitrary data exchange during reproduction. A limited but practical system, Arcee had acknowledged without inflection, in a rasping voice. The three bots agreed at that point to correct the oversight, so that as a group, Autobots should conform more closely to Human social norms.

Epps had stood there in bemused silence, along with the active NEST team members, support staff and anyone else in earshot. He had expected one of the pushier Autobots such as Sideswipe or Ironhide to scoff and jeer as social niceties, for Optimus to make some cryptic speech or even that damn ice cream truck to ask a stupid question like, "What are social norms?"

Instead, Optimus nodded gravely and said, "It is true. When we arrived on this planet, we had little time to access and assimilate its cultural norms. It appeared, on the whole from the bulk of the data transmissions, that what is called 'male' was the default sentient life form. We soon became aware of the binary genders but we had already chosen our forms. It would have been... awkward to change them mid-shift, based on my understanding of Human thought processes."

At which point, one of the three reconnaissance bots looked at the other two and said, "Then we are agreed."

The next time Epps saw them, they had taken the forms of brightly colored motorcycles that transformed into uncomfortably feminine bots, strange unnatural curves that left him staring in horrified fascination more often than he cared to admit. And they sounded female, which was almost worse after meeting them and assuming they were male. They hadn't been, of course, but he had come to regard that default mechanical demeanor of newly arrived bots as male. Only it wasn't.

He put a fist on his hip, huffing once in aggravation. Where the hell were they? He checked his phone again and saw signal bars. He didn't have time to wait on them. So he listened and at first heard only the constant white noise of the generators lining the walls, that faint whine of multiple computer drives and fans, the soft rumble of the ventilation system... and mechanical clicking. It reminded him of the noise the bots made when transforming, if it were done very stealthily and surreptitiously.

Epps slunk toward the noise, instinctively falling behind the cover of computer banks and catwalk mounts. He looked around a corner, toward the dimly lit anterior storage area. Well, it looked like a bot transforming, except it wasn't turning into anything. Actually, it looked like an indeterminate black and gray train wreck... with incongruous pink, purple and blue bits. He watched, feeling his face scrunch into a befuddled frown, biting his lip. 

Then he nearly pissed himself when he felt a giant metal finger tap his shoulder.

He bit down hard on his lip, flapping an arm in anger as Sideswipe picked him up unceremoniously, gliding them both away on silent wheels that passed for feet, hunkering down to stay behind the computer banks.

Dangling in the loose grip, Epps pointed at the tangled mass of robot, demanding a silent furious answer.

Sideswipe reared back his head, his hollow blue eyes rotating to imitate a blink of surprise. Then he had the nerve to put a finger to his facsimile of a mouth and bat his eyes. He set Epps down carefully by the maintenance door.

Epps looked toward the now hidden anterior storage area, mutely. He looked at Sideswipe and mouthed an appalled, "No."

Sideswipe nodded like a bobble-head toy.

Epps flapped a hand toward the storage area, shaking his head, froze with his palm in the air and then pointed again. He held out his arms in silent question, holding up three fingers on one hand.

Sideswipe nodded cheerfully again, then held up his finger to his mouth as a reminder. The other, he held out with four fingers in the air.

Epps nodded slowly, holding up his hands in surrender, closing his eyes. Then he held out the flash chips, jerking his chin toward the storage area.

Sideswipe nodded crisply, offering a mock salute and took the chips, then backed toward the computer bank before coming to a dead stop.

So, that was how Robert Epps learned to knock when entering the NEST hanger, after hours. His wife laughed so hard when he told her all about it that he was forced to hold the phone away from his ear, but at least she believed him. Everyone else threw napkins at him, offered another beer and asked him to tell another one.


End file.
